I can't remember if I've shared that I'm a lover of Nikon cameras and photography. It must run in my genes, because my mom was a professional photo-girl for years. My sister, Colleen, (www.myuglycouch.com) is into it as well. I saw this on facebook and thought I would pass along the info for a chance to win a Nikon camera. There seems to be a bit of a rivalry between Canon peeps and Nikon peeps... but Nikon is for sure the best camera out there.. (sorry Canon peeps) :) So here's the link. Take a chance and enter.. you just never know!

Here are some of my favorite pics with my Nikon D5000









http://www.ohsoposhphotography.com/blog/?p=5458

Happy Picture-Taking!!

Well, life is pretty much summed up with one word... uncertainty.

Most of you know that I had a major health scare when I was hospitalized for pulmonary edema at the beginning of August. Most of the time, this condition is caused by congestive heart failure, which is exactly as it sounds. Blood isn't pumped effeciently from the lungs to the left atria and it backs up into the lungs, causing fluid to fill your lungs.

Lemme tell you... it ain't fun.

Generally the people who get congestive heart failure (CHF) are the elderly with weak heart muscles, chronic alcoholics, heavy smokers, narcotic overdosers, or people in severely high altitudes. I am none of these things, so it was a mystery as to why I would have all these symptoms. (shortness of breath, coughing, low pulse oxygen, low blood pressure, fluid in my lungs...)

I am exhibiting some of the same symptoms again, so today I am having an echocardiogram done... which is essentially an ultra sound of your heart.

I am uncertain of what the results will be. I am uncertain of how my life will play out if I do have CHF. I'm uncertain of how my life span may be altered if I do have it. I'm uncertain that if I don't have it, then what in the world is going on with me??

God never promises us certainty, save in this... He is good, He is faithful.... of that I AM certain!

I am no longer discouraged at all the crazy health problems I've had over the last 4 years. People live this way their entire lives, so I can to, if that's God's plan for me. I am joyful in the Lord. He sent these trials to me and will use them for my good and His glory. That brings me peace and anticipation of what miracles I may see because of my sufferings... not miracles in my own life, but in someone else's.

My quiet time today was amazing! Colleen has so many great books. It has encouraged me to start building my "faith" library. In reading an excerpt from Milton Vincent's book "A Gospel Primer", I came across this...

When my flesh yearns for some prohibited thing, I must die. When called to do something I don't want to do, I must die. When I wish to be selfish and serve no one, I must die. When wanting to cling to wrongs done against me, I must die. When enticed by allurements of the world, I must die. When wishing to keep besetting sins secret, I must die. When wants that are borderline needs are left unmet, I must die. When dreams that are good seem shoved aside, I must die.

Honestly, dying to myself is SO HARD!! I need to be reminded every day... sigh. But God calls us to renew our minds every day, so I guess he knows that we aren't very good at remembering stuff.

Here is a verse that really spoke to me today:
2 Chor 4:16-17
Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. For momentary light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, while we look not at the things which are seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal.


And now.. a sweet face to make you smile... it sure does that for me!

Not enough of us truly experience joy. Well, I did today. I got the privilege of babysitting my nephews for a couple of hours today. We had a blast! I have the music from the Disney movie, Rio, and lemme tell you... it's FUN music! So, we got to dancin, and Joseph was cracking me up!!
Although he looks a bit frightened in this one, I assure you, this IS a dance move of his... hey man, dance is subjective.

Work it, work it... yeah! I tell you, I was laughing so hard watching him dance. I couldn't get any good ones of Matthew.. his eyes were always half-closed, or he wouldn't face the camera.. you know, kids' stuff.


I haven't laughed as hard as I did today in a LONG time!! It felt really good! I am so thankful for a God that gives us funny things in life to laugh at.... like the cutest brown boys in the world.

Oh the sweet relief of accepting God's help! I read the book "Choosing to SEE" by Mary Beth Chapman. She struggled her whole life with depression. It was so insightful and familiar to read how she felt... I had felt some of the exact things. The HUGE difference was that she turned toward God, whereas I turned away. That was the biggest mistake of my life. I ran and became angry at the only One who had the power to help me. I allowed my earthly mind to dwell in dark places and self pity. Here is one of the quotes by Larry Crabb from the book. (I have no idea who Mr. Crabb is)

-Shattered dreams are never random. They are always a piece in a larger puzzle, a chapter in a larger story. The Holy Spirit uses the pain of shattered dreams to help us discover our desire for God, to help us begin dreaming the highest dream. They are ordained opportunities for the Spirit to awaken, then to satisfy our highest dream.  -Larry Crabb



The Chapman family adopted 3 Chinese girls over the past 10 years. In 2008, their youngest, Maria, was hit and killed by a car... driven by her brother who adored her. The walk through the tragedy and their grief was heartbreaking and inspiring all together! They all turned toward the God of Life! They each went through every emotion I had ever felt, as well.... sorrow, anger, denial, guilt, anger, anger, anger. But with these emotions they would pray and ask for God's Hand to comfort them. They would study and REMEMBER the TRUTH. They did go through counseling and therapy, and some medications, but those are, in my opinion, healthy measures to take for those that need them.

A verse from the Bible that I read in this book really spoke to me and reminded me that SO many people have suffered on this earth.... even the apostle Paul. I must remember that I am never alone, and He is ALWAYS with me.


Psa;m 40: 1-3 I wait patiently for the Lord. He will turn to me and hear my cries. He will lift me up out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire (past 4 years of sickness and family deterioration) He will set my feet on a rock and give me a firm place to stand. He will and is putting a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord.


The ultimate goal for me is that people hear my story and come to know and love Him. I trust Him to heal my family. I trust Him to glorify himself with my suffering.

May this be your experience' may you feel that the Hand which inflicts the wound supplies the balm, and that He who has emptied your heart has filled the void with Himself. -James Hudson Taylor 

Just for fun, here's an example of my "angry" face that I've worn for quite a while...






And here's the face I've been wearing the past several days... It feels wonderful, and permanent!!

This trip is all about self revival. Not just getting a great massage and a manicure and some "quiet time". It's about my relationship with God and reviving it.... remembering in whom I should be trusting and depending. I attended church with Colleen and Lucas today, and in Sunday school the message was Self Revival. I felt like he was speaking directly to me!

He led us through verses in Hosea, and Revelation where God spoke of his love for Israel, but how they were "turning from their first love" (God). Then there were lists upon lists of the things that happen over time when God is not your focus. I know that for me, hitting rock bottom, and wounding the man I love most in this entire world, (Joel) that it was my time for change... self revival.

Several questions were asked of us.
1. Was there a time in my life when I genuinely repented of my sin?
2. Was there a time in my life when I placed all my trust in Jesus Christ alone to save me?
3. Was there ever  time in my life when I completely surrendered to Jesus Christ as the Master and Lord of my life?

Thankfully, I can say yes to all three. I can also say that I was the happiest I had ever been when Jesus was in control of my life... I do an extremely poor job of running it myself.

Now on to the harder questions....

1. Do I love to read and meditate on the Word of God?
2. Are my personal devotions consistent and meaningful?
3. Do I apply God's Word to my everyday life?

Sadly, I can say yes to only one at the time. Revival and deep trust in the Lord doesn't just "happen" apparently. It is something we have to actively pursue. It is something I had turned away from for several years. Praise God that He's reviving me once again!!

I encourage you to ask yourself these questions. I see that I still have LOTS of work to do! Thank my Holy Father, that He is on my side and wants to help me. For without him, I can do nothing.

Funny example, yesterday, Matthew wanted to take his shirt off. He got permission, then proceeded with a several minute long battle with wriggling out of it. I offered to help him, and he said "No! I do it!". After watching a few more minutes of the struggle, I attempted just to grab and pull, to get it over-with. He resisted me yelling "No! No help me!". So, I gave up, and watched him struggle in vain to get this silly shirt off. He eventually gave up. He just couldn't do it without help.... he reminded me so much of myself. Why do I resist the Father's help? He is only trying to love and teach me! I'm still a child in need of SO much parenting from the Lord. I love learning through these boys.

No, I don't mean letting go of my husband and children, so don't panic. I am finally letting go of so much pain I have held on to for years. I am asking forgiveness from my husband, whom I love more than I can say. I am asking forgiveness from God.... for SO many things! I'm learning, and succeeding, at not allowing my emotions to control my life. It sounds so easy, but let me say, folks, it is NOT easy for me! After years of bad emotional habits and a truck load of selfishness, this training is going to be long and difficult.

Disobedience is actually very painful. I have been angry with God and therefore, very disobedient to Him. I have suffered greatly and brought huge amounts of pain to my family. Confession and humbling yourself before the Lord is hard for me, but once done, peace and joy flow from my body. I've watched this occur with my nephews these past few days. They know the rules, and yet, when no one is watching, they choose to serve themselves and disobey. Eventually they are discovered, and the punishment follows..... every time.... no slide-by's.... no sweet-talking their way out of it. Disobedience brings sadness and pain...

Whether it's getting muddy from playing in a forbidden mud hole and being hosed off with freezing cold water...
or playing in a muddy water hole, getting a shower, and being sent straight to bed... (apparently water and mud are the great temptations here)
We all have our great temptations... money, selfishness, idolatry, turning to people before turning to God...

Disobedience HURTS!!!! I am striving to be the Molly God has designed me to be. I am striving to obey.

The verses that helped me today:

Romans 8:12 So then, bretheren, we are under obligation, not to the flesh, to live according to the flesh- for if you are living according to the flesh, you must die; but if by the the Spirit you are putting to death the deeds of the body, you will live. For all who are being led by the Spirit of God, these are the sons of God.

Learn from my mistakes... and from two little boys who love mud.

I have an anger problem. These are the facts. Usually the way I deal with my anger is to cry and withdraw by myself. I can work up a really heavy crying spell that can last for hours. Being here at my sister's I've had a couple of doozies. I'm working with a wise friend of mine, Gloria, and she is helping me recognize and deal with my anger in healthy ways. The first way is improving my relationship with God, and confessing my anger. The second way is to recognize the feeling not as truth, but as a fleeting "thing" that I need to allow to pass by me, like a car in traffic.

This is all wonderful advice because I have found myself become exceedingly angry at my husband for "sending me away". Not being allowed to return home whenever I want makes me feel like I'm being punished, and who ever loves their punisher? So step one is to let go of my anger toward Joel.

One thing that helps is to put myself in his shoes. I believe I couldn't have endured even half of what he has over these past four years. I would have given up a long time ago. Another thought I have is, that if he can love me and be my rock all that time, isn't it only right that if he needs this time to rest that I give it to him?

Why is it so easy to think about myself? If being selfish were a sport or a job, then either way, I'd be rich.

A verse that is helping me today is
Romans 12:12
rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer

and to prove my time here has its' wonderful moments, here is just a taste of the cuteness I get to play with every day.

After my recovery from my hospital stay, a bout of crying and severe depression hit me like a freight train. I laid in bed ALL weekend and cried... and when I say all weekend, I'm talking from bedtime to bedtime, folks. Sunday I hit rock bottom. I contemplated suicide all day... how I would do it, who would find me, how much emotional damage would I cause? These thoughts played over and over without ceasing. That evening I got in my car and drove.. not really going anywhere in particular, and I ended up at Battlefield Park in one of the obscure parking lots. I wept like a baby as I contemplated how terrible my life was and how I just couldn't take it anymore... it would never be good again... I would never be me again. I emptied a bottle of pills into my hand. I stared at them, rolled them around, counted them, felt them with my fingers. I sent a text to my husband, Joel, that this was the end. I thanked him for always being there for me, told him I loved him and that I was sorry, and asked him to apologize to the kids. He kept asking me where I was and calling me, but I refused to tell him. I was serious this time.

I was scared. In a flash I almost just popped them in my mouth to just "do it and get it over with"... but as my hand neared my face, something stopped me. I put the pills back in the bottle and sealed it. I sat there rather stunned at the turn of events... I turned on my car and drove home. Joel, trembling and relieved, held me while I cried and cried. This was not the first time I had done this... I can't even count the times over the past three years that I had really scared him.

So, the next day I was like a new woman. I got up, took the kids to school, went shopping, met with friends... you know, all the stuff I wasn't doing before. Something was different, though. Something was wrong with Joel. I poked and prodded and he finally admitted that he was emotionally broken and exhausted, and he needed a break from me. I was shocked, but totally understood the feeling. I had just simply worn him out. He asked me to leave for a least two weeks. I was devastated, but willing to help him get healthy too. So, here I am at my sister, Colleen's house. I hope I can learn some things and come back rejuvenated. I hope Joel wants me back sooner than two weeks.. I miss him so much already.

There is more to this story that I will write tomorrow. Until then, please say a prayer for my marriage.

Thank you.....

These are maybe the most feared words you can hear as a parent... and I got to hear them tonight from my 13 year old daughter. She said "you're always sick, and you're not even trying to get better"... I do take into account that she is ignorant of all the medical hoops we've been jumping through these past three years. She is upset about having to ride the bus home from school and confessed that she thought that I was just too lazy to come and get them.

So there it is... the ultimate heartbreak. In her eyes I am a mom who is good for nothing. A mom who doesn't care anymore, who doesn't want to get better. She's not reliable, she's not dependable.. she's no fun.

I find it impossible to explain all that's happened over the past three years in a way that she could understand. No one, no matter their age, can truly understand depression unless they've been through it. This last incident which nearly took my life was not my fault at all... and yet somehow it is in her eyes.. just one more reason for mom to be "sick".

I just wept and wept while gathering the shattered pieces of my heart and laying them at God's feet... Father, please fix it.. please put it back together.. it is so broken I know only You have the power to mend it.

Well, if you keep up with me on facebook, then you would know that I've recently been in the hospital for four days. For legal reasons, I can't get into all of it, but I can tell you that I took some prescribed medication and nearly died. By God's grace, my best friend, Leslie, was there and saved my life. I was suffocating in my sleep and she woke me and called the ambulance.


(if y'all only knew how much I hate pictures of myself you would understand that posting this shows how much I love her) My parents had insisted that I stay with them, but they both agreed that, being in another room, they wouldn't have heard me gasping for air.

I wound up staying in the hospital for four days with what turned out to be non-cardiogenic pulmonary edema. That's just a really fancy way to say you have fluid in your lungs and it has nothing to do with your heart. I just couldn't breathe. I couldn't catch my breath... I was disoriented, confused, forgetful. woozy, and exhausted... and this was while I was IN the hospital!




I remember looking over one day and seeing a little black boy standing in my doorway, and I remember thinking, "Why is there a little black boy in my doorway??" As it turned out, it was my sweet Joseph with Colleen and her crew. Colleen came in and said immediately, "You look terrible!" I took it as a compliment. Because, I mean, if you gotta be in the hospital, you might as well look the part.

 My days were filled with breathing treatments, popsicles, then more breathing treatments. I got tired of the hospital food really quickly, so I had Joel text me this picture for when I wanted a treat.

It turned out to be very handy, I must say. All in all, though, hospital stays are stressful... especially when you know someone else was responsible for putting you there. I got poked and prodded more times than I can count. I was awakened every two hours at night for vital signs (annoying) I had chest xrays, chest CT scans, they took so much blood I didn't think I had any left! It was exhausting...

The worst part about it, is that in the end, when all the bills roll in, we have to be the responsible party. In order to prove the doctor made the error would take a seriously expensive lawyer and the team from Extreme Home Makeover to make it happen. It makes me very sad and angry that we entrust our lives to people, but then they bear no responsibility when things go wrong. Don't misread me, I love my doctors, (most of them) but I guess I'm feeling angry from my trust being shattered. I still believe in our healthcare system, and am thankful to have it! Maybe it's the culmination of three years of try this and try that that has me frustrated and hormonal.

We did have a bright note. An in-house psychiatrist came to give us a second opinion on what happened. She said that I should NOT have been given that much medication. She also said she's seen and treated hundreds of bipolar patients.... and I am not one of them.. Hooray!! To find out I'm only semi-crazy is great news.

I also had several wonderful friends stop by just to say hey, or give me a hug. It was good to see friendly faces who weren't coming at me with needles. My favorite thing that I was brought was this....

I hate to pick favorites because people brought such nice and thoughtful things.. but I love the expression on this guy's face. That's how I felt about being there. I named him Larry.

Well, with everything that's happened, we are stripped of all our power and control we thought we had over this life. We are on our knees with no pomp or frills, just asking God to lead us... to help us. We delight in knowing HE will never abandon, misdiagnose, or mishandle us. He is the only place we are truly safe. And while this place looks peaceful and lovely,
it is a place of pain, suffering, sickness, and death. In His arms we are protected from all those things. I TRUST the One in control... that is what this whole thing boils down to... trust. As I've learned many times before, there is only One in whom we can trust. Thank you, Father.

Our family had planned a vacation to Branson, Missourri  for several months. As the time grew nearer I became more and more anxious. We would be staying with five extra family members, plus the six of us... so needless to say there would be noise and a reasonable amount of chaos. I was so stressed that three weeks before take-off I was crying every night.

The time finally came to make a decision whether to go or stay home a few days and come later with Joel's sister. Joel and I agreed that I should wait. I felt an immense sense of relief knowing that I would miss the harried unpacking, grocery shopping (yeah, cooking for yourself on vacay is not my kind of vacay) and shopping for school clothes, (which makes me want to gouge my eyes out even when I was normal).

So, there I was at home, alone. The television never turned on, I had no little people asking me for things.. no dinners to plan. I found the anxiety just melting away. I honestly have not felt this well in quite some time. I also found another feeling creeping in... guilt. Joel told me that on several occasions the kids commented on how they were glad I wasn't with them because it was too hot, or too tiring, or too noisy. They said it out of love, and yet it still cut like a knife. The all too familiar feeling of being "the worst mom in the world" came rushing back in. I cried and cried. My sweet babies can see right through me and know that I'm not the strong, fun mom I once was. I wasn't there to see their excitement of the condo they're staying in. I didn't get to see their faces as they picked out their new clothes, and went to shows and restaurants.

Tuesday was the day I was supposed to ride over with Joel's sister... but I became frozen with fear. Tuesday to Sunday seemed like an eternity... plus there would be three extra people joining the group of seven. Again Joel and I discussed it, and he wants to focus on long term health rather than a few days of craziness that could possibly throw me into a depressed state. So, again, we agreed I should stay home.


When Joel and I talk on the phone and he tells me all the fun things they are doing I just feel a huge weight on my shoulders... the burden of not "being there" for them. He assures me they are fine and having a blast, and yet that hurts to hear as well. I feel I purposely left myself out of the fun... I felt I didn't have the strength to be happy in a stressful situation.


Night time is the hardest. I miss them all and feel terrible for being apart from them. I must say, however, that my mood seems to have stabilized and I am feeling much better. Situations like this one make me feel like such a hopeless mental patient. I feel weak, fragile, and broken. It's a sickening feeling, let me tell you. 


They will remember it as a fun vacation filled with lots of activity and memories. I will remember it as the "almost family vacation".... the one I was too damaged to go on.

I have been humbled the past day and a half. Yesterday I attended a baby shower for a childhood friend and was in charge of taking pictures. I was very nervous about being in cramped quarters with lots of noise and chatter. During the shower, three different women from my church put their arms around me and said they thought I was a blessing to them.. Me??? I really couldn't wrap my brain around how that could be possible. I've stopped attending church regularly, and I don't go to any of the showers or functions. But to have these highly respected ladies tell me how much they care was overwhelming and... humbling. I made it through the shower, frazzled, but in tact.

Today is my 34th birthday... yikes.. and there was a party at our house for me and my brother-in-law last night. We had a great time! I realized that I was laughing and participating in all the fun. My sister-in-law, Beth, put her arms around me, kissed me and said I can come to her for anything. My best friend, Leslie was there to laugh with me and give support. My mom-in-law gave me the most touching card. I won't quote the whole thing, but my favorite line is,  
"He compares you to no one else- you are one of a kind. You lack nothing" ....so humbling.

Then, this morning, I received a delivery of flowers sent to me from some friends in Africa whom I have not seen in about 4 years!

God is pouring out His compassion on me through all these caring people around me. My heart is softening. I am feeling worthy instead of worthless, loved instead of a burden... and humbled... definitely humbled.

The more I learn about this maddening disorder, the more afraid I become. I'm afraid for my children. I don't want them growing up with a mom who is "different" from other moms... a mom who sometimes can't do things that are important to them... a mom who cries for hours, for no particular reason.

I HAVE to conquer this!! There are several reasons for this resolve.. here's one.
Her name is Anna... She is 13, and needs her mom for guidance.

 My Julia.. spunky and spirited. She comes to me all day long wanting a hug and a kiss. I can't describe the guilt I feel when I would rather be left alone. It just tears me up inside...
 Sweet Olivia... she seems so used to being without me. I feel that she has detached somewhat. My heart breaks. I don't want her to slip through my fingers....
 Then there's my Will. He's oblivious to most everything around him, but maybe it's because I haven't been well since he was about 4 years old. He told me yesterday he was glad I was his mom... oh how the tears flowed.
Then there's this man. Why he hasn't left me, I don't know. He says every day that he will not give up on me. He says he just can't live his life without me. I'm the only woman he's ever loved, and he won't lose me, he says.


Just like the wretch who is unworthy to stand before the Lord, I feel blessed and unworthy to have these precious people in my life. Oh Lord above, I don't want to let them down! I have no choice... I cannot give up... but I'm scared.

Today I've had a roller coaster of emotions. I actually love roller coasters, but sure wish I was having fun with this one. I have been waking up in better moods, which is a relief to everyone in my house. I spent time with my sister-in-law, Mallory, and we had a nice talk and took some adorable pictures of her adorable baby, Khloe. After that I had a delicious dinner at my mom's house.. I love not cooking! 

With all this entertainment one should feel happy.. so why do these surges of dispair wash over me at the strangest times? I've told Joel many times that I feel "broken"... trapped in a body with a brain that's gone haywire. I feel like such a burden.. a mental patient. With the recent news of Amy Winehouse's death, it's gotten me a bit shaken. I wasn't a fan of hers, but she did suffer with bipolar disorder, and that scares me. I also have a relative who has been a depressed bipolar patient most of her life, and as long as I've known her she was so heavily medicated that she didn't make sense most of the time. I have fears...

My fears are that I won't recover the "me" I so desperately miss... that I will be a burden to my husband, kids, and family. That in a manic episode I will act out in damaging ways... that maybe I will do something unforgivable. That my kids will grow up without a "real" mom. These are just fears.. not facts. I have to constantly remind myself to focus on what is TRUE. I also find that my compassion for people has grown enormously. I am now the last person on earth to judge anyone... for if I were to be judged it would be pretty ugly.

I thank God for such a wonderful environment in which to heal. I don't have to work, I have a tremendously helpful husband who works from home, and three wonderful daughters who happily help out around the house. Because of all these blessings, I get angry with myself for crying and being depressed. I know it's not a conscious decision to cry for hours at a time, but I still get angry about it.

I am amazed and humbled by all the people that have come forward and shared their stories of depression... some for the first time. I am thankful for those that pray. I am thankful for those who love me despite my craziness. I cannot say that I am thankful for this disorder.. yet.. I guess I just need more time.

You may be thinking that I'm referring to the fact that when one thing in your life goes wrong, that the rest just gets sucked down the drain as well. I am thankful to report that I had a "raining and pouring" day yesterday, but it was all good things!

First, Raquel, a friend from church decided to take time out of her hectic schedule of raising three small boys to make and bring me dinner. She then made the 30 minute drive out to my house to deliver it. We then sat together and she did something wonderful... she listened.

We went outside to admire our new back patio, and to my utter surprise, ANOTHER sweet lady from church came walking out to greet us! She had a handful of marigolds. She said she just wanted to stop by to give me the flowers and a hug... just flowers and a hug.

My mood was feeling brighter and the heaviness had eased up some. I was in my room working on some pictures and noticed some company come through the door. It was my neighbors Neal and Amber from across the street. They had brought me a vase full of the prettiest white daisies! I was overwhelmed and had to hold in the tears. 

Then, to top off this wonderful day, by awesome friend, Leslie, took me out on a date! We saw a movie, (which was hilarious) and then got some ice cream. It was so good to spend time with her... had been way too long.

When  I got home I checked my facebook... as I always do, and had a message from a friend sharing that she too had faced the same struggles with depression. She came through it and had some wonderful words of encouragement.

When it rains, it pours, people! God showered me with some sweet blessings, none of which I expected or felt I deserved. I cannot put a price on reaching out to someone in pain. If you know someone who is suffering, please make an effort.. no matter how small.

Many people I've talked with recently have a desire to help, but they just don't know how. It's like after someone loses a loved one, you want to say words of comfort, but nothing seems good enough. 

Here are a few things NOT to say to a depressed person:
1. This will all pass before long...
2. I understand that you're "sad"
3. Why don't you read this book or attend this Bible study?
4. Maybe this is a consequence of some past sin..
5. Maybe you should just rest more and take vitamins.
6. Why don't you just get out and do things...

Statements like these show me that this person, though well meaning, has no clue what depression is or what to do about it. If a person was an insulin dependent diabetic, a helpful suggestion wouldn't be, "here, read this book, get out and do things, and it will pass in time". The fact is that their body cannot produce the vital insulin, and if they don't take it they will die. Their illness is not the result of a past sin or that they are having a "pity party". 

The challenge with depression is that it isn't visible like a broken limb or corrective surgery. It is silent... and when it goes silent too long, disaster can occur. A few helpful things to say are these:

"I'm thinking of you. Call if you need to talk."
"Can I bring you a meal to take some stress off of you?"
"Do you need my help in any way?"
"Here is my phone number. I am always ready to listen."

Unless you have experienced depression first hand, please don't try to convey that you know what this person is going through. Don't analyze your theories on how this person got to this point in their lives. Just convey love and support... just love and support. If all else fails, just give a quick hug, handshake, or loving smile... and say nothing.

Today I am faced with several choices that all end in the same question... which way? Part of being manic depressive is swinging from one emotional extreme to the other, so one of the first things I wonder is, "which way am I swinging right now?" The irritability factor forces me to decide which way to relieve the stress... should I take off running outside with no destination in mind? Should I shut myself up in my room and forbid any company? Should I medicate with prescriptions or alchohol? Maybe I should yell, scream, and throw a few things... which way? 

I find it nearly impossible to focus or concentrate on much of anything. Books and movies are impossible. Conversations bore me to tears. I don't want to venture out to visit friends, because that will mean I will have to get dressed (in something other than pajamas), and pretend to be nice. Playing with my kids is the biggest challenge of all because noise triggers my meltdowns.

I find myself staring blankly a lot. I'll snap back to reality and ask, "what day is this?" or "what did I do last night?"

I'm worried that my sweet husband is about to snap under all the stress. He asks me constantly if he can do anything to help, and I reassure him that I'm fine... but in reality I just don't know how he can help me. I don't always share my deepest thoughts and fears with him because I don't want to scare him anymore than he is. I do know that he loves me, however... I do know that.

My mom, through her tears, asked me if I really understood how much she loves me. I answered yes... because I'm still here. When the dark questions arise, I ask myself "which way?".... and it always ends at remembering those who love me, and not being able to devastate them.

My psychiatrist defines depression as, "anger turned inward"... wow is he right. There are five steps for grief: anger, denial, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I'm still on step one. I grieve the loss of who I was... which way to I go now? I "know" the way I should go... and yet I'm paralyzed with pain, fear, loss... and anger.

So while I'm waiting out the trial and error game of new medications, I will constantly be battling the question of "which way"... this question trickles down through all the cracks in my life. It's not a statement to scare anyone... it's just the facts, man.

When changes occur in your life, most of them are slow and minor.. but to look back over time you can see how each little step has lead you to an entirely different place. I like the analogy of the two ships..

Two ships were sailing side by side. One ship represents you, and the other can represent anything that is symbolic to you, (God, truth, friendship, marriage, children, parents, ect) As time goes on the ships sail together in unison. One day, your ship's course varies by only 1 degree. It's not a lot, but without correction, over time, you will look up and see that you are an ocean apart from the other ship. You find yourself alone in vast open waters, unsure of which direction to take to get back.

This is how depression slowly changes your life. The changes are so subtle that for many months they are unrecognizable. Then, one day you open your eyes to see yourself floating all alone in a dark, scary place. You may even be surrounded by friends and family who love you, and yet they don't see the water... they don't see the dark. They don't understand it, because they can't.

This may sound overly dramatic, but the best visual example I've ever seen of how depression takes over your life, is the story of Smeigel "Gollum" from Lord of The Rings. He starts out as a normal person in his community, until one day he finds a ring that has a strange power over him. Over time, he notices painful changes occuring, but doesn't have the strength to give it away. His body begins to change. He is isolated from his community. He is in extreme amounts of physical and emotional turmoil. He hates who he's become, yet he knows it's too late to turn back. He is trapped in a body and mind that controls him. The sequence of Gollum's transformation in "The Return of the King" always makes me very sad.... for I, too, am unrecognizable to myself.


As a physical example, this is what I looked like just a month before my hysterectomy:


Active wife, mom, friend, daughter, and church member. I had it all together.. the life of the party. Then after three years of illness and depression, my outsides began to match my insides....
So evaluate your life right now.. Has your ship veered off course? Can you see signs of a slow fade? Have you awakened to find yourself alone in the water? The good news is that by changing our course, even just a little at a time, we can find our way back. I feel alone all the time, but I have decided to accept the FACT that I am not. I cannot trust my feelings, so I must trust in the truth.

So, here I am publicly declaring the most private of imperfections I have... manic depression. In my younger, more "normal" years, I viewed manic depression as an embarrassing condition that I must be protected from... after all, aren't all bipolar patients dangerous? Aren't they the crazy loons that climb up the sides of buildings in their underwear declaring themselves king of the world?? Aren't they the ones who kill their innocent children? Don't they all deserve to be "put away" somewhere so us normal folks can feel safe? In my ignorance, I said yes to all these things. Before I explain my condition, I need to back up and give you the skinny on how I got here.

During the summer of 2008, I started having hormone problems. After a few courses of treatment, it was decided by my doc and myself that a hysterectomy would be the best problem solver. The hormone replacement regiment sounded easy and pleasant. On November 17, 2008, I underwent the procedure that changed my life forever. To make a VERY long story short, I began experiencing chronic pelvic pain, hormone imbalances, pain pill addiction, 8 additional surgeries, depression, and an 80 pound weight gain. We even went all the way to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester for answers... they had not many to offer us.

A year ago I began working with the Mid Kansas Women's Center in Wichita, Kansas for my bioidentical hormone replacement therapy... it was a godsend! Now that the hormones were stable, I was left with a brain unable to function as it should. I developed what is called MDD (Major Depressive Disorder). 

In March of 2011, I crashed and burned. My depression was so severe that I couldn't get out of bed. I stopped showering, brushing my teeth, combing my hair, changing my clothes. I never smiled.. never laughed.. isolated myself even from those I love the most. The screaming panic attacks were the worst. I was ready to check out, and my thoughts were constantly on which methods I should use to leave this earth. Out of panic and sheer desperation, my husband and I agreed to send me to a rehab hospital. It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I was finally given a psychiatrist, however, and Lord did I need one! As much as I hated being there, it did me good.

I cannot say it cured me, but sticking with their psychotherapy program was a huge key for me. They were able to monitor my ups and downs. On a recent visit, they were able to determine that I have all the signs of Bipolar Disorder. I wasn't particularly surprised, but still upset by it. They said that the biochemical trauma I endured from my hysterectomy was the trigger.... stupid hormones.

Right now I am cycling from the manic phase to the depressed phase. Suicide is a daily thought. Hopelessness overwhelms me. I feel as though my very essence..(the thing that makes me "me") has been ripped from my body. I feel trapped in this body that I don't recognize, and in a brain that doesn't work. I feel lost... so lost. My God says He will never leave me, and yet I still feel so alone. People try their best with encouraging words and verses.. they're nice, but they don't penetrate the numbness. It does help me to know that I am not forgotten, and that I'm not inconveniencing anyone. I do appreciate prayers... so often I can't say them myself.