Wednesday, August 31, 2011

The Happiness of Healing

Oh the sweet relief of accepting God's help! I read the book "Choosing to SEE" by Mary Beth Chapman. She struggled her whole life with depression. It was so insightful and familiar to read how she felt... I had felt some of the exact things. The HUGE difference was that she turned toward God, whereas I turned away. That was the biggest mistake of my life. I ran and became angry at the only One who had the power to help me. I allowed my earthly mind to dwell in dark places and self pity. Here is one of the quotes by Larry Crabb from the book. (I have no idea who Mr. Crabb is)

-Shattered dreams are never random. They are always a piece in a larger puzzle, a chapter in a larger story. The Holy Spirit uses the pain of shattered dreams to help us discover our desire for God, to help us begin dreaming the highest dream. They are ordained opportunities for the Spirit to awaken, then to satisfy our highest dream.  -Larry Crabb



The Chapman family adopted 3 Chinese girls over the past 10 years. In 2008, their youngest, Maria, was hit and killed by a car... driven by her brother who adored her. The walk through the tragedy and their grief was heartbreaking and inspiring all together! They all turned toward the God of Life! They each went through every emotion I had ever felt, as well.... sorrow, anger, denial, guilt, anger, anger, anger. But with these emotions they would pray and ask for God's Hand to comfort them. They would study and REMEMBER the TRUTH. They did go through counseling and therapy, and some medications, but those are, in my opinion, healthy measures to take for those that need them.

A verse from the Bible that I read in this book really spoke to me and reminded me that SO many people have suffered on this earth.... even the apostle Paul. I must remember that I am never alone, and He is ALWAYS with me.


Psa;m 40: 1-3 I wait patiently for the Lord. He will turn to me and hear my cries. He will lift me up out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire (past 4 years of sickness and family deterioration) He will set my feet on a rock and give me a firm place to stand. He will and is putting a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord.


The ultimate goal for me is that people hear my story and come to know and love Him. I trust Him to heal my family. I trust Him to glorify himself with my suffering.

May this be your experience' may you feel that the Hand which inflicts the wound supplies the balm, and that He who has emptied your heart has filled the void with Himself. -James Hudson Taylor 

Just for fun, here's an example of my "angry" face that I've worn for quite a while...






And here's the face I've been wearing the past several days... It feels wonderful, and permanent!!

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Self Revival

This trip is all about self revival. Not just getting a great massage and a manicure and some "quiet time". It's about my relationship with God and reviving it.... remembering in whom I should be trusting and depending. I attended church with Colleen and Lucas today, and in Sunday school the message was Self Revival. I felt like he was speaking directly to me!

He led us through verses in Hosea, and Revelation where God spoke of his love for Israel, but how they were "turning from their first love" (God). Then there were lists upon lists of the things that happen over time when God is not your focus. I know that for me, hitting rock bottom, and wounding the man I love most in this entire world, (Joel) that it was my time for change... self revival.

Several questions were asked of us.
1. Was there a time in my life when I genuinely repented of my sin?
2. Was there a time in my life when I placed all my trust in Jesus Christ alone to save me?
3. Was there ever  time in my life when I completely surrendered to Jesus Christ as the Master and Lord of my life?

Thankfully, I can say yes to all three. I can also say that I was the happiest I had ever been when Jesus was in control of my life... I do an extremely poor job of running it myself.

Now on to the harder questions....

1. Do I love to read and meditate on the Word of God?
2. Are my personal devotions consistent and meaningful?
3. Do I apply God's Word to my everyday life?

Sadly, I can say yes to only one at the time. Revival and deep trust in the Lord doesn't just "happen" apparently. It is something we have to actively pursue. It is something I had turned away from for several years. Praise God that He's reviving me once again!!

I encourage you to ask yourself these questions. I see that I still have LOTS of work to do! Thank my Holy Father, that He is on my side and wants to help me. For without him, I can do nothing.

Funny example, yesterday, Matthew wanted to take his shirt off. He got permission, then proceeded with a several minute long battle with wriggling out of it. I offered to help him, and he said "No! I do it!". After watching a few more minutes of the struggle, I attempted just to grab and pull, to get it over-with. He resisted me yelling "No! No help me!". So, I gave up, and watched him struggle in vain to get this silly shirt off. He eventually gave up. He just couldn't do it without help.... he reminded me so much of myself. Why do I resist the Father's help? He is only trying to love and teach me! I'm still a child in need of SO much parenting from the Lord. I love learning through these boys.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Letting Go

No, I don't mean letting go of my husband and children, so don't panic. I am finally letting go of so much pain I have held on to for years. I am asking forgiveness from my husband, whom I love more than I can say. I am asking forgiveness from God.... for SO many things! I'm learning, and succeeding, at not allowing my emotions to control my life. It sounds so easy, but let me say, folks, it is NOT easy for me! After years of bad emotional habits and a truck load of selfishness, this training is going to be long and difficult.

Disobedience is actually very painful. I have been angry with God and therefore, very disobedient to Him. I have suffered greatly and brought huge amounts of pain to my family. Confession and humbling yourself before the Lord is hard for me, but once done, peace and joy flow from my body. I've watched this occur with my nephews these past few days. They know the rules, and yet, when no one is watching, they choose to serve themselves and disobey. Eventually they are discovered, and the punishment follows..... every time.... no slide-by's.... no sweet-talking their way out of it. Disobedience brings sadness and pain...

Whether it's getting muddy from playing in a forbidden mud hole and being hosed off with freezing cold water...
or playing in a muddy water hole, getting a shower, and being sent straight to bed... (apparently water and mud are the great temptations here)
We all have our great temptations... money, selfishness, idolatry, turning to people before turning to God...

Disobedience HURTS!!!! I am striving to be the Molly God has designed me to be. I am striving to obey.

The verses that helped me today:

Romans 8:12 So then, bretheren, we are under obligation, not to the flesh, to live according to the flesh- for if you are living according to the flesh, you must die; but if by the the Spirit you are putting to death the deeds of the body, you will live. For all who are being led by the Spirit of God, these are the sons of God.

Learn from my mistakes... and from two little boys who love mud.

Friday, August 26, 2011

Dealing with Dealing

I have an anger problem. These are the facts. Usually the way I deal with my anger is to cry and withdraw by myself. I can work up a really heavy crying spell that can last for hours. Being here at my sister's I've had a couple of doozies. I'm working with a wise friend of mine, Gloria, and she is helping me recognize and deal with my anger in healthy ways. The first way is improving my relationship with God, and confessing my anger. The second way is to recognize the feeling not as truth, but as a fleeting "thing" that I need to allow to pass by me, like a car in traffic.

This is all wonderful advice because I have found myself become exceedingly angry at my husband for "sending me away". Not being allowed to return home whenever I want makes me feel like I'm being punished, and who ever loves their punisher? So step one is to let go of my anger toward Joel.

One thing that helps is to put myself in his shoes. I believe I couldn't have endured even half of what he has over these past four years. I would have given up a long time ago. Another thought I have is, that if he can love me and be my rock all that time, isn't it only right that if he needs this time to rest that I give it to him?

Why is it so easy to think about myself? If being selfish were a sport or a job, then either way, I'd be rich.

A verse that is helping me today is
Romans 12:12
rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer

and to prove my time here has its' wonderful moments, here is just a taste of the cuteness I get to play with every day.


Thursday, August 25, 2011

Hard beginnings

After my recovery from my hospital stay, a bout of crying and severe depression hit me like a freight train. I laid in bed ALL weekend and cried... and when I say all weekend, I'm talking from bedtime to bedtime, folks. Sunday I hit rock bottom. I contemplated suicide all day... how I would do it, who would find me, how much emotional damage would I cause? These thoughts played over and over without ceasing. That evening I got in my car and drove.. not really going anywhere in particular, and I ended up at Battlefield Park in one of the obscure parking lots. I wept like a baby as I contemplated how terrible my life was and how I just couldn't take it anymore... it would never be good again... I would never be me again. I emptied a bottle of pills into my hand. I stared at them, rolled them around, counted them, felt them with my fingers. I sent a text to my husband, Joel, that this was the end. I thanked him for always being there for me, told him I loved him and that I was sorry, and asked him to apologize to the kids. He kept asking me where I was and calling me, but I refused to tell him. I was serious this time.

I was scared. In a flash I almost just popped them in my mouth to just "do it and get it over with"... but as my hand neared my face, something stopped me. I put the pills back in the bottle and sealed it. I sat there rather stunned at the turn of events... I turned on my car and drove home. Joel, trembling and relieved, held me while I cried and cried. This was not the first time I had done this... I can't even count the times over the past three years that I had really scared him.

So, the next day I was like a new woman. I got up, took the kids to school, went shopping, met with friends... you know, all the stuff I wasn't doing before. Something was different, though. Something was wrong with Joel. I poked and prodded and he finally admitted that he was emotionally broken and exhausted, and he needed a break from me. I was shocked, but totally understood the feeling. I had just simply worn him out. He asked me to leave for a least two weeks. I was devastated, but willing to help him get healthy too. So, here I am at my sister, Colleen's house. I hope I can learn some things and come back rejuvenated. I hope Joel wants me back sooner than two weeks.. I miss him so much already.

There is more to this story that I will write tomorrow. Until then, please say a prayer for my marriage.

Thank you.....
Friday, August 19, 2011

"Hey, Mom... you're a failure"

These are maybe the most feared words you can hear as a parent... and I got to hear them tonight from my 13 year old daughter. She said "you're always sick, and you're not even trying to get better"... I do take into account that she is ignorant of all the medical hoops we've been jumping through these past three years. She is upset about having to ride the bus home from school and confessed that she thought that I was just too lazy to come and get them.

So there it is... the ultimate heartbreak. In her eyes I am a mom who is good for nothing. A mom who doesn't care anymore, who doesn't want to get better. She's not reliable, she's not dependable.. she's no fun.

I find it impossible to explain all that's happened over the past three years in a way that she could understand. No one, no matter their age, can truly understand depression unless they've been through it. This last incident which nearly took my life was not my fault at all... and yet somehow it is in her eyes.. just one more reason for mom to be "sick".

I just wept and wept while gathering the shattered pieces of my heart and laying them at God's feet... Father, please fix it.. please put it back together.. it is so broken I know only You have the power to mend it.


Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Twisted

Well, if you keep up with me on facebook, then you would know that I've recently been in the hospital for four days. For legal reasons, I can't get into all of it, but I can tell you that I took some prescribed medication and nearly died. By God's grace, my best friend, Leslie, was there and saved my life. I was suffocating in my sleep and she woke me and called the ambulance.


(if y'all only knew how much I hate pictures of myself you would understand that posting this shows how much I love her) My parents had insisted that I stay with them, but they both agreed that, being in another room, they wouldn't have heard me gasping for air.

I wound up staying in the hospital for four days with what turned out to be non-cardiogenic pulmonary edema. That's just a really fancy way to say you have fluid in your lungs and it has nothing to do with your heart. I just couldn't breathe. I couldn't catch my breath... I was disoriented, confused, forgetful. woozy, and exhausted... and this was while I was IN the hospital!




I remember looking over one day and seeing a little black boy standing in my doorway, and I remember thinking, "Why is there a little black boy in my doorway??" As it turned out, it was my sweet Joseph with Colleen and her crew. Colleen came in and said immediately, "You look terrible!" I took it as a compliment. Because, I mean, if you gotta be in the hospital, you might as well look the part.

 My days were filled with breathing treatments, popsicles, then more breathing treatments. I got tired of the hospital food really quickly, so I had Joel text me this picture for when I wanted a treat.

It turned out to be very handy, I must say. All in all, though, hospital stays are stressful... especially when you know someone else was responsible for putting you there. I got poked and prodded more times than I can count. I was awakened every two hours at night for vital signs (annoying) I had chest xrays, chest CT scans, they took so much blood I didn't think I had any left! It was exhausting...

The worst part about it, is that in the end, when all the bills roll in, we have to be the responsible party. In order to prove the doctor made the error would take a seriously expensive lawyer and the team from Extreme Home Makeover to make it happen. It makes me very sad and angry that we entrust our lives to people, but then they bear no responsibility when things go wrong. Don't misread me, I love my doctors, (most of them) but I guess I'm feeling angry from my trust being shattered. I still believe in our healthcare system, and am thankful to have it! Maybe it's the culmination of three years of try this and try that that has me frustrated and hormonal.

We did have a bright note. An in-house psychiatrist came to give us a second opinion on what happened. She said that I should NOT have been given that much medication. She also said she's seen and treated hundreds of bipolar patients.... and I am not one of them.. Hooray!! To find out I'm only semi-crazy is great news.

I also had several wonderful friends stop by just to say hey, or give me a hug. It was good to see friendly faces who weren't coming at me with needles. My favorite thing that I was brought was this....

I hate to pick favorites because people brought such nice and thoughtful things.. but I love the expression on this guy's face. That's how I felt about being there. I named him Larry.

Well, with everything that's happened, we are stripped of all our power and control we thought we had over this life. We are on our knees with no pomp or frills, just asking God to lead us... to help us. We delight in knowing HE will never abandon, misdiagnose, or mishandle us. He is the only place we are truly safe. And while this place looks peaceful and lovely,
it is a place of pain, suffering, sickness, and death. In His arms we are protected from all those things. I TRUST the One in control... that is what this whole thing boils down to... trust. As I've learned many times before, there is only One in whom we can trust. Thank you, Father.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Almost Family Vacation

Our family had planned a vacation to Branson, Missourri  for several months. As the time grew nearer I became more and more anxious. We would be staying with five extra family members, plus the six of us... so needless to say there would be noise and a reasonable amount of chaos. I was so stressed that three weeks before take-off I was crying every night.

The time finally came to make a decision whether to go or stay home a few days and come later with Joel's sister. Joel and I agreed that I should wait. I felt an immense sense of relief knowing that I would miss the harried unpacking, grocery shopping (yeah, cooking for yourself on vacay is not my kind of vacay) and shopping for school clothes, (which makes me want to gouge my eyes out even when I was normal).

So, there I was at home, alone. The television never turned on, I had no little people asking me for things.. no dinners to plan. I found the anxiety just melting away. I honestly have not felt this well in quite some time. I also found another feeling creeping in... guilt. Joel told me that on several occasions the kids commented on how they were glad I wasn't with them because it was too hot, or too tiring, or too noisy. They said it out of love, and yet it still cut like a knife. The all too familiar feeling of being "the worst mom in the world" came rushing back in. I cried and cried. My sweet babies can see right through me and know that I'm not the strong, fun mom I once was. I wasn't there to see their excitement of the condo they're staying in. I didn't get to see their faces as they picked out their new clothes, and went to shows and restaurants.

Tuesday was the day I was supposed to ride over with Joel's sister... but I became frozen with fear. Tuesday to Sunday seemed like an eternity... plus there would be three extra people joining the group of seven. Again Joel and I discussed it, and he wants to focus on long term health rather than a few days of craziness that could possibly throw me into a depressed state. So, again, we agreed I should stay home.


When Joel and I talk on the phone and he tells me all the fun things they are doing I just feel a huge weight on my shoulders... the burden of not "being there" for them. He assures me they are fine and having a blast, and yet that hurts to hear as well. I feel I purposely left myself out of the fun... I felt I didn't have the strength to be happy in a stressful situation.


Night time is the hardest. I miss them all and feel terrible for being apart from them. I must say, however, that my mood seems to have stabilized and I am feeling much better. Situations like this one make me feel like such a hopeless mental patient. I feel weak, fragile, and broken. It's a sickening feeling, let me tell you. 


They will remember it as a fun vacation filled with lots of activity and memories. I will remember it as the "almost family vacation".... the one I was too damaged to go on.

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