Friday, August 19, 2011
"Hey, Mom... you're a failure"
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Molly Stroud |
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These are maybe the most feared words you can hear as a parent... and I got to hear them tonight from my 13 year old daughter. She said "you're always sick, and you're not even trying to get better"... I do take into account that she is ignorant of all the medical hoops we've been jumping through these past three years. She is upset about having to ride the bus home from school and confessed that she thought that I was just too lazy to come and get them.
So there it is... the ultimate heartbreak. In her eyes I am a mom who is good for nothing. A mom who doesn't care anymore, who doesn't want to get better. She's not reliable, she's not dependable.. she's no fun.
I find it impossible to explain all that's happened over the past three years in a way that she could understand. No one, no matter their age, can truly understand depression unless they've been through it. This last incident which nearly took my life was not my fault at all... and yet somehow it is in her eyes.. just one more reason for mom to be "sick".
I just wept and wept while gathering the shattered pieces of my heart and laying them at God's feet... Father, please fix it.. please put it back together.. it is so broken I know only You have the power to mend it.
So there it is... the ultimate heartbreak. In her eyes I am a mom who is good for nothing. A mom who doesn't care anymore, who doesn't want to get better. She's not reliable, she's not dependable.. she's no fun.
I find it impossible to explain all that's happened over the past three years in a way that she could understand. No one, no matter their age, can truly understand depression unless they've been through it. This last incident which nearly took my life was not my fault at all... and yet somehow it is in her eyes.. just one more reason for mom to be "sick".
I just wept and wept while gathering the shattered pieces of my heart and laying them at God's feet... Father, please fix it.. please put it back together.. it is so broken I know only You have the power to mend it.
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6 comments:
Precious Molly -- I love you! I love your heart and your honesty. I'm praying for you in earnest. God alone DOES have the power to mend this!!!
Oh, that makes my heart so sad. God has the power to heal and mend...BOTH of your hearts...and He will. Love you.
I came across your blog by accident. My cousins blog is has alomst the exact same title. My heart was touched by your words,struggles and honesty about the subject of depression. I have struggled with it since my 5th child,that has been a little over 2 years ago. I have been where you are with my 12 year old, and I know the pain that it causes. I was told" Momma, you use to be fun and we were close, now you just lay around and DO NOTHING!" It stung badly to say the least, but after honestly no days of happiness for me. I decided somehow,some way I WAS GOING to PUSH myself. I will be honest at first it was awful. I felt like I was "faking" it everytime I tried to take her to do things, but in the end it became the only thing at that time that TRULY made me happy. She was happy, and that helped my heart so much. I know I am stranger, but I felt compelled to share my story with you.. God bless.... Tiffany Roberts
Tiffany, I can't thank you enough! God bless you for sharing.
Oh, Molly, I'm so sorry you're going thru all this. I remember being a hateful teenager at times & know now how little understanding I had of what my mother was doing & going thru. I remember a time not so long ago when I was in the pit and you were there for me, before I had children. It was so selfless & I'll never forget it, but little did I know it was really only a dent in the rim of the pit. I hit it after child # 1 and again after #2. I learned quickly to speak God's word over and over to drown out any lies Satan had for me and have learned to almost anticipate his moves, although I fail a lot. I also learned to never claim ANY illness as mine, including the depression, wait expectantly on God's healing and per Joyce Meyer, "Do what you can do, and God will do what you cannot do". I love you and will help complete the circle of prayer around you and your family.
No Thank you for sharing your struggles. Going through the shattering world of depression myself, I for one believe that it takes A LOT of courage to let your raw feelings out for everyone to see. I admire you and respect you for that in more ways that I can tell you. I honestly hope that I did not upset you with my comment. I in no way wanted to hurt anyone, but I felt strongly that the Lord spoke to me and said " Tiff, just please don't not share your story because you scared. Look at this womans courage( your courage is amazing in my eyes :)).... I Know what I shared with you that I did is NO easy task...and I also know that everyones depression is unique.I can't tell you enough though how much just getting up with Riley changed things for me. I actually ended up spoiling her there for her awhile, or maybe I was spoiling me cause doing things with her finaly made me feel like there was a light at the end of my tunnel of despair that I have been trapped in for so long. We got mani's and pedi's,went for walks, I helped her get a small dog walking business going in the neighborhood ( one day after saving up $50 dollars she came to me and said Mom, I don't know how to pay you back, I have this money for you and Daddy to go out and I would babysit she never offers that,BTW!!, she said and I heard Daddy on the phone with Nana saying your medicine costs a lot of money...she told me she was sorry she ever yelled at me... I CRIED CRIED CRIED and told her and her brothers and sisters smiles and joy and laughter was like the best medicine, The only medicine that worked for me , at that time. I have gone through it with my younger children as well. Thats been rough for me. My 4 year old son said to me one night when we were going to bed " Mom, who is going to take care of us in the morning" ( My wonderful Mother has been here a lot, she had gone home for a week.) I told him " Mommies here" To which he replied " But you don't get out of bed,Mom." The next morning I had breakfast made before he woke up.( mickey mouse Pancakes!!!) To sum it all up for me as a Mom.. Learning to take those huge steps for my children is what healed my heart, more than the meds,meds and more meds,,, Dr after Dr... for me happy was seeing my babies happy again... I felt REAL Joy for the first time in years. I hope my story can help you in some way. As I said I know first hand that all people differ.. I wish you the best!!! Sorry to Ramble
Have a BLESSED day!
T Roberts
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