Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Almost Family Vacation
Posted by
Molly Stroud |
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Our family had planned a vacation to Branson, Missourri for several months. As the time grew nearer I became more and more anxious. We would be staying with five extra family members, plus the six of us... so needless to say there would be noise and a reasonable amount of chaos. I was so stressed that three weeks before take-off I was crying every night.
The time finally came to make a decision whether to go or stay home a few days and come later with Joel's sister. Joel and I agreed that I should wait. I felt an immense sense of relief knowing that I would miss the harried unpacking, grocery shopping (yeah, cooking for yourself on vacay is not my kind of vacay) and shopping for school clothes, (which makes me want to gouge my eyes out even when I was normal).
So, there I was at home, alone. The television never turned on, I had no little people asking me for things.. no dinners to plan. I found the anxiety just melting away. I honestly have not felt this well in quite some time. I also found another feeling creeping in... guilt. Joel told me that on several occasions the kids commented on how they were glad I wasn't with them because it was too hot, or too tiring, or too noisy. They said it out of love, and yet it still cut like a knife. The all too familiar feeling of being "the worst mom in the world" came rushing back in. I cried and cried. My sweet babies can see right through me and know that I'm not the strong, fun mom I once was. I wasn't there to see their excitement of the condo they're staying in. I didn't get to see their faces as they picked out their new clothes, and went to shows and restaurants.
Tuesday was the day I was supposed to ride over with Joel's sister... but I became frozen with fear. Tuesday to Sunday seemed like an eternity... plus there would be three extra people joining the group of seven. Again Joel and I discussed it, and he wants to focus on long term health rather than a few days of craziness that could possibly throw me into a depressed state. So, again, we agreed I should stay home.
When Joel and I talk on the phone and he tells me all the fun things they are doing I just feel a huge weight on my shoulders... the burden of not "being there" for them. He assures me they are fine and having a blast, and yet that hurts to hear as well. I feel I purposely left myself out of the fun... I felt I didn't have the strength to be happy in a stressful situation.
Night time is the hardest. I miss them all and feel terrible for being apart from them. I must say, however, that my mood seems to have stabilized and I am feeling much better. Situations like this one make me feel like such a hopeless mental patient. I feel weak, fragile, and broken. It's a sickening feeling, let me tell you.
They will remember it as a fun vacation filled with lots of activity and memories. I will remember it as the "almost family vacation".... the one I was too damaged to go on.
The time finally came to make a decision whether to go or stay home a few days and come later with Joel's sister. Joel and I agreed that I should wait. I felt an immense sense of relief knowing that I would miss the harried unpacking, grocery shopping (yeah, cooking for yourself on vacay is not my kind of vacay) and shopping for school clothes, (which makes me want to gouge my eyes out even when I was normal).
So, there I was at home, alone. The television never turned on, I had no little people asking me for things.. no dinners to plan. I found the anxiety just melting away. I honestly have not felt this well in quite some time. I also found another feeling creeping in... guilt. Joel told me that on several occasions the kids commented on how they were glad I wasn't with them because it was too hot, or too tiring, or too noisy. They said it out of love, and yet it still cut like a knife. The all too familiar feeling of being "the worst mom in the world" came rushing back in. I cried and cried. My sweet babies can see right through me and know that I'm not the strong, fun mom I once was. I wasn't there to see their excitement of the condo they're staying in. I didn't get to see their faces as they picked out their new clothes, and went to shows and restaurants.
Tuesday was the day I was supposed to ride over with Joel's sister... but I became frozen with fear. Tuesday to Sunday seemed like an eternity... plus there would be three extra people joining the group of seven. Again Joel and I discussed it, and he wants to focus on long term health rather than a few days of craziness that could possibly throw me into a depressed state. So, again, we agreed I should stay home.
When Joel and I talk on the phone and he tells me all the fun things they are doing I just feel a huge weight on my shoulders... the burden of not "being there" for them. He assures me they are fine and having a blast, and yet that hurts to hear as well. I feel I purposely left myself out of the fun... I felt I didn't have the strength to be happy in a stressful situation.
Night time is the hardest. I miss them all and feel terrible for being apart from them. I must say, however, that my mood seems to have stabilized and I am feeling much better. Situations like this one make me feel like such a hopeless mental patient. I feel weak, fragile, and broken. It's a sickening feeling, let me tell you.
They will remember it as a fun vacation filled with lots of activity and memories. I will remember it as the "almost family vacation".... the one I was too damaged to go on.
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