I have been humbled the past day and a half. Yesterday I attended a baby shower for a childhood friend and was in charge of taking pictures. I was very nervous about being in cramped quarters with lots of noise and chatter. During the shower, three different women from my church put their arms around me and said they thought I was a blessing to them.. Me??? I really couldn't wrap my brain around how that could be possible. I've stopped attending church regularly, and I don't go to any of the showers or functions. But to have these highly respected ladies tell me how much they care was overwhelming and... humbling. I made it through the shower, frazzled, but in tact.

Today is my 34th birthday... yikes.. and there was a party at our house for me and my brother-in-law last night. We had a great time! I realized that I was laughing and participating in all the fun. My sister-in-law, Beth, put her arms around me, kissed me and said I can come to her for anything. My best friend, Leslie was there to laugh with me and give support. My mom-in-law gave me the most touching card. I won't quote the whole thing, but my favorite line is,  
"He compares you to no one else- you are one of a kind. You lack nothing" ....so humbling.

Then, this morning, I received a delivery of flowers sent to me from some friends in Africa whom I have not seen in about 4 years!

God is pouring out His compassion on me through all these caring people around me. My heart is softening. I am feeling worthy instead of worthless, loved instead of a burden... and humbled... definitely humbled.

The more I learn about this maddening disorder, the more afraid I become. I'm afraid for my children. I don't want them growing up with a mom who is "different" from other moms... a mom who sometimes can't do things that are important to them... a mom who cries for hours, for no particular reason.

I HAVE to conquer this!! There are several reasons for this resolve.. here's one.
Her name is Anna... She is 13, and needs her mom for guidance.

 My Julia.. spunky and spirited. She comes to me all day long wanting a hug and a kiss. I can't describe the guilt I feel when I would rather be left alone. It just tears me up inside...
 Sweet Olivia... she seems so used to being without me. I feel that she has detached somewhat. My heart breaks. I don't want her to slip through my fingers....
 Then there's my Will. He's oblivious to most everything around him, but maybe it's because I haven't been well since he was about 4 years old. He told me yesterday he was glad I was his mom... oh how the tears flowed.
Then there's this man. Why he hasn't left me, I don't know. He says every day that he will not give up on me. He says he just can't live his life without me. I'm the only woman he's ever loved, and he won't lose me, he says.


Just like the wretch who is unworthy to stand before the Lord, I feel blessed and unworthy to have these precious people in my life. Oh Lord above, I don't want to let them down! I have no choice... I cannot give up... but I'm scared.

Today I've had a roller coaster of emotions. I actually love roller coasters, but sure wish I was having fun with this one. I have been waking up in better moods, which is a relief to everyone in my house. I spent time with my sister-in-law, Mallory, and we had a nice talk and took some adorable pictures of her adorable baby, Khloe. After that I had a delicious dinner at my mom's house.. I love not cooking! 

With all this entertainment one should feel happy.. so why do these surges of dispair wash over me at the strangest times? I've told Joel many times that I feel "broken"... trapped in a body with a brain that's gone haywire. I feel like such a burden.. a mental patient. With the recent news of Amy Winehouse's death, it's gotten me a bit shaken. I wasn't a fan of hers, but she did suffer with bipolar disorder, and that scares me. I also have a relative who has been a depressed bipolar patient most of her life, and as long as I've known her she was so heavily medicated that she didn't make sense most of the time. I have fears...

My fears are that I won't recover the "me" I so desperately miss... that I will be a burden to my husband, kids, and family. That in a manic episode I will act out in damaging ways... that maybe I will do something unforgivable. That my kids will grow up without a "real" mom. These are just fears.. not facts. I have to constantly remind myself to focus on what is TRUE. I also find that my compassion for people has grown enormously. I am now the last person on earth to judge anyone... for if I were to be judged it would be pretty ugly.

I thank God for such a wonderful environment in which to heal. I don't have to work, I have a tremendously helpful husband who works from home, and three wonderful daughters who happily help out around the house. Because of all these blessings, I get angry with myself for crying and being depressed. I know it's not a conscious decision to cry for hours at a time, but I still get angry about it.

I am amazed and humbled by all the people that have come forward and shared their stories of depression... some for the first time. I am thankful for those that pray. I am thankful for those who love me despite my craziness. I cannot say that I am thankful for this disorder.. yet.. I guess I just need more time.

You may be thinking that I'm referring to the fact that when one thing in your life goes wrong, that the rest just gets sucked down the drain as well. I am thankful to report that I had a "raining and pouring" day yesterday, but it was all good things!

First, Raquel, a friend from church decided to take time out of her hectic schedule of raising three small boys to make and bring me dinner. She then made the 30 minute drive out to my house to deliver it. We then sat together and she did something wonderful... she listened.

We went outside to admire our new back patio, and to my utter surprise, ANOTHER sweet lady from church came walking out to greet us! She had a handful of marigolds. She said she just wanted to stop by to give me the flowers and a hug... just flowers and a hug.

My mood was feeling brighter and the heaviness had eased up some. I was in my room working on some pictures and noticed some company come through the door. It was my neighbors Neal and Amber from across the street. They had brought me a vase full of the prettiest white daisies! I was overwhelmed and had to hold in the tears. 

Then, to top off this wonderful day, by awesome friend, Leslie, took me out on a date! We saw a movie, (which was hilarious) and then got some ice cream. It was so good to spend time with her... had been way too long.

When  I got home I checked my facebook... as I always do, and had a message from a friend sharing that she too had faced the same struggles with depression. She came through it and had some wonderful words of encouragement.

When it rains, it pours, people! God showered me with some sweet blessings, none of which I expected or felt I deserved. I cannot put a price on reaching out to someone in pain. If you know someone who is suffering, please make an effort.. no matter how small.

Many people I've talked with recently have a desire to help, but they just don't know how. It's like after someone loses a loved one, you want to say words of comfort, but nothing seems good enough. 

Here are a few things NOT to say to a depressed person:
1. This will all pass before long...
2. I understand that you're "sad"
3. Why don't you read this book or attend this Bible study?
4. Maybe this is a consequence of some past sin..
5. Maybe you should just rest more and take vitamins.
6. Why don't you just get out and do things...

Statements like these show me that this person, though well meaning, has no clue what depression is or what to do about it. If a person was an insulin dependent diabetic, a helpful suggestion wouldn't be, "here, read this book, get out and do things, and it will pass in time". The fact is that their body cannot produce the vital insulin, and if they don't take it they will die. Their illness is not the result of a past sin or that they are having a "pity party". 

The challenge with depression is that it isn't visible like a broken limb or corrective surgery. It is silent... and when it goes silent too long, disaster can occur. A few helpful things to say are these:

"I'm thinking of you. Call if you need to talk."
"Can I bring you a meal to take some stress off of you?"
"Do you need my help in any way?"
"Here is my phone number. I am always ready to listen."

Unless you have experienced depression first hand, please don't try to convey that you know what this person is going through. Don't analyze your theories on how this person got to this point in their lives. Just convey love and support... just love and support. If all else fails, just give a quick hug, handshake, or loving smile... and say nothing.

Today I am faced with several choices that all end in the same question... which way? Part of being manic depressive is swinging from one emotional extreme to the other, so one of the first things I wonder is, "which way am I swinging right now?" The irritability factor forces me to decide which way to relieve the stress... should I take off running outside with no destination in mind? Should I shut myself up in my room and forbid any company? Should I medicate with prescriptions or alchohol? Maybe I should yell, scream, and throw a few things... which way? 

I find it nearly impossible to focus or concentrate on much of anything. Books and movies are impossible. Conversations bore me to tears. I don't want to venture out to visit friends, because that will mean I will have to get dressed (in something other than pajamas), and pretend to be nice. Playing with my kids is the biggest challenge of all because noise triggers my meltdowns.

I find myself staring blankly a lot. I'll snap back to reality and ask, "what day is this?" or "what did I do last night?"

I'm worried that my sweet husband is about to snap under all the stress. He asks me constantly if he can do anything to help, and I reassure him that I'm fine... but in reality I just don't know how he can help me. I don't always share my deepest thoughts and fears with him because I don't want to scare him anymore than he is. I do know that he loves me, however... I do know that.

My mom, through her tears, asked me if I really understood how much she loves me. I answered yes... because I'm still here. When the dark questions arise, I ask myself "which way?".... and it always ends at remembering those who love me, and not being able to devastate them.

My psychiatrist defines depression as, "anger turned inward"... wow is he right. There are five steps for grief: anger, denial, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I'm still on step one. I grieve the loss of who I was... which way to I go now? I "know" the way I should go... and yet I'm paralyzed with pain, fear, loss... and anger.

So while I'm waiting out the trial and error game of new medications, I will constantly be battling the question of "which way"... this question trickles down through all the cracks in my life. It's not a statement to scare anyone... it's just the facts, man.

When changes occur in your life, most of them are slow and minor.. but to look back over time you can see how each little step has lead you to an entirely different place. I like the analogy of the two ships..

Two ships were sailing side by side. One ship represents you, and the other can represent anything that is symbolic to you, (God, truth, friendship, marriage, children, parents, ect) As time goes on the ships sail together in unison. One day, your ship's course varies by only 1 degree. It's not a lot, but without correction, over time, you will look up and see that you are an ocean apart from the other ship. You find yourself alone in vast open waters, unsure of which direction to take to get back.

This is how depression slowly changes your life. The changes are so subtle that for many months they are unrecognizable. Then, one day you open your eyes to see yourself floating all alone in a dark, scary place. You may even be surrounded by friends and family who love you, and yet they don't see the water... they don't see the dark. They don't understand it, because they can't.

This may sound overly dramatic, but the best visual example I've ever seen of how depression takes over your life, is the story of Smeigel "Gollum" from Lord of The Rings. He starts out as a normal person in his community, until one day he finds a ring that has a strange power over him. Over time, he notices painful changes occuring, but doesn't have the strength to give it away. His body begins to change. He is isolated from his community. He is in extreme amounts of physical and emotional turmoil. He hates who he's become, yet he knows it's too late to turn back. He is trapped in a body and mind that controls him. The sequence of Gollum's transformation in "The Return of the King" always makes me very sad.... for I, too, am unrecognizable to myself.


As a physical example, this is what I looked like just a month before my hysterectomy:


Active wife, mom, friend, daughter, and church member. I had it all together.. the life of the party. Then after three years of illness and depression, my outsides began to match my insides....
So evaluate your life right now.. Has your ship veered off course? Can you see signs of a slow fade? Have you awakened to find yourself alone in the water? The good news is that by changing our course, even just a little at a time, we can find our way back. I feel alone all the time, but I have decided to accept the FACT that I am not. I cannot trust my feelings, so I must trust in the truth.

So, here I am publicly declaring the most private of imperfections I have... manic depression. In my younger, more "normal" years, I viewed manic depression as an embarrassing condition that I must be protected from... after all, aren't all bipolar patients dangerous? Aren't they the crazy loons that climb up the sides of buildings in their underwear declaring themselves king of the world?? Aren't they the ones who kill their innocent children? Don't they all deserve to be "put away" somewhere so us normal folks can feel safe? In my ignorance, I said yes to all these things. Before I explain my condition, I need to back up and give you the skinny on how I got here.

During the summer of 2008, I started having hormone problems. After a few courses of treatment, it was decided by my doc and myself that a hysterectomy would be the best problem solver. The hormone replacement regiment sounded easy and pleasant. On November 17, 2008, I underwent the procedure that changed my life forever. To make a VERY long story short, I began experiencing chronic pelvic pain, hormone imbalances, pain pill addiction, 8 additional surgeries, depression, and an 80 pound weight gain. We even went all the way to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester for answers... they had not many to offer us.

A year ago I began working with the Mid Kansas Women's Center in Wichita, Kansas for my bioidentical hormone replacement therapy... it was a godsend! Now that the hormones were stable, I was left with a brain unable to function as it should. I developed what is called MDD (Major Depressive Disorder). 

In March of 2011, I crashed and burned. My depression was so severe that I couldn't get out of bed. I stopped showering, brushing my teeth, combing my hair, changing my clothes. I never smiled.. never laughed.. isolated myself even from those I love the most. The screaming panic attacks were the worst. I was ready to check out, and my thoughts were constantly on which methods I should use to leave this earth. Out of panic and sheer desperation, my husband and I agreed to send me to a rehab hospital. It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I was finally given a psychiatrist, however, and Lord did I need one! As much as I hated being there, it did me good.

I cannot say it cured me, but sticking with their psychotherapy program was a huge key for me. They were able to monitor my ups and downs. On a recent visit, they were able to determine that I have all the signs of Bipolar Disorder. I wasn't particularly surprised, but still upset by it. They said that the biochemical trauma I endured from my hysterectomy was the trigger.... stupid hormones.

Right now I am cycling from the manic phase to the depressed phase. Suicide is a daily thought. Hopelessness overwhelms me. I feel as though my very essence..(the thing that makes me "me") has been ripped from my body. I feel trapped in this body that I don't recognize, and in a brain that doesn't work. I feel lost... so lost. My God says He will never leave me, and yet I still feel so alone. People try their best with encouraging words and verses.. they're nice, but they don't penetrate the numbness. It does help me to know that I am not forgotten, and that I'm not inconveniencing anyone. I do appreciate prayers... so often I can't say them myself.