Friday, July 22, 2011
From living life to just existing...
Posted by
Molly Stroud |
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So, here I am publicly declaring the most private of imperfections I have... manic depression. In my younger, more "normal" years, I viewed manic depression as an embarrassing condition that I must be protected from... after all, aren't all bipolar patients dangerous? Aren't they the crazy loons that climb up the sides of buildings in their underwear declaring themselves king of the world?? Aren't they the ones who kill their innocent children? Don't they all deserve to be "put away" somewhere so us normal folks can feel safe? In my ignorance, I said yes to all these things. Before I explain my condition, I need to back up and give you the skinny on how I got here.
During the summer of 2008, I started having hormone problems. After a few courses of treatment, it was decided by my doc and myself that a hysterectomy would be the best problem solver. The hormone replacement regiment sounded easy and pleasant. On November 17, 2008, I underwent the procedure that changed my life forever. To make a VERY long story short, I began experiencing chronic pelvic pain, hormone imbalances, pain pill addiction, 8 additional surgeries, depression, and an 80 pound weight gain. We even went all the way to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester for answers... they had not many to offer us.
A year ago I began working with the Mid Kansas Women's Center in Wichita, Kansas for my bioidentical hormone replacement therapy... it was a godsend! Now that the hormones were stable, I was left with a brain unable to function as it should. I developed what is called MDD (Major Depressive Disorder).
In March of 2011, I crashed and burned. My depression was so severe that I couldn't get out of bed. I stopped showering, brushing my teeth, combing my hair, changing my clothes. I never smiled.. never laughed.. isolated myself even from those I love the most. The screaming panic attacks were the worst. I was ready to check out, and my thoughts were constantly on which methods I should use to leave this earth. Out of panic and sheer desperation, my husband and I agreed to send me to a rehab hospital. It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I was finally given a psychiatrist, however, and Lord did I need one! As much as I hated being there, it did me good.
I cannot say it cured me, but sticking with their psychotherapy program was a huge key for me. They were able to monitor my ups and downs. On a recent visit, they were able to determine that I have all the signs of Bipolar Disorder. I wasn't particularly surprised, but still upset by it. They said that the biochemical trauma I endured from my hysterectomy was the trigger.... stupid hormones.
Right now I am cycling from the manic phase to the depressed phase. Suicide is a daily thought. Hopelessness overwhelms me. I feel as though my very essence..(the thing that makes me "me") has been ripped from my body. I feel trapped in this body that I don't recognize, and in a brain that doesn't work. I feel lost... so lost. My God says He will never leave me, and yet I still feel so alone. People try their best with encouraging words and verses.. they're nice, but they don't penetrate the numbness. It does help me to know that I am not forgotten, and that I'm not inconveniencing anyone. I do appreciate prayers... so often I can't say them myself.
During the summer of 2008, I started having hormone problems. After a few courses of treatment, it was decided by my doc and myself that a hysterectomy would be the best problem solver. The hormone replacement regiment sounded easy and pleasant. On November 17, 2008, I underwent the procedure that changed my life forever. To make a VERY long story short, I began experiencing chronic pelvic pain, hormone imbalances, pain pill addiction, 8 additional surgeries, depression, and an 80 pound weight gain. We even went all the way to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester for answers... they had not many to offer us.
A year ago I began working with the Mid Kansas Women's Center in Wichita, Kansas for my bioidentical hormone replacement therapy... it was a godsend! Now that the hormones were stable, I was left with a brain unable to function as it should. I developed what is called MDD (Major Depressive Disorder).
In March of 2011, I crashed and burned. My depression was so severe that I couldn't get out of bed. I stopped showering, brushing my teeth, combing my hair, changing my clothes. I never smiled.. never laughed.. isolated myself even from those I love the most. The screaming panic attacks were the worst. I was ready to check out, and my thoughts were constantly on which methods I should use to leave this earth. Out of panic and sheer desperation, my husband and I agreed to send me to a rehab hospital. It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I was finally given a psychiatrist, however, and Lord did I need one! As much as I hated being there, it did me good.
I cannot say it cured me, but sticking with their psychotherapy program was a huge key for me. They were able to monitor my ups and downs. On a recent visit, they were able to determine that I have all the signs of Bipolar Disorder. I wasn't particularly surprised, but still upset by it. They said that the biochemical trauma I endured from my hysterectomy was the trigger.... stupid hormones.
Right now I am cycling from the manic phase to the depressed phase. Suicide is a daily thought. Hopelessness overwhelms me. I feel as though my very essence..(the thing that makes me "me") has been ripped from my body. I feel trapped in this body that I don't recognize, and in a brain that doesn't work. I feel lost... so lost. My God says He will never leave me, and yet I still feel so alone. People try their best with encouraging words and verses.. they're nice, but they don't penetrate the numbness. It does help me to know that I am not forgotten, and that I'm not inconveniencing anyone. I do appreciate prayers... so often I can't say them myself.
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4 comments:
Molly, I have tears streaming down my cheeks as this hits very close to home for me. Although not diagnosed my mother has endured all of the same symptoms since her hysterectomy 30 years ago. Unfortunately the doctors she has seen here have not diagnosed her correctly or that is how I feel. By following your blog I hope to gain some understanding to the torment she has suffered all these years. Thank you for being so candid and open.
Praise God... that is the real reason I shared. Thank you, Dawnette.
Hi molly, I just read your blog as a friend shared it with me. I hope things continue to look up. Another friend and I have been working on a blog for christians who are bipolar. I think it could be an encouragment to you. We both have been there. You can find it at www.crazywithapurpose.com
If you want to get a hold of me, you can find me on fb under a page of the same name. I would be more than willing to email with you. -Jillian
Ok, do I should have read this page before I posted on the other page because now I know it only addressed a portion of what you have suffered. I am so sorry that you are enduring all that you are and at the level that you are. I cannot relate to call of it, but I don't need to to understand the deep levels of suffering you must have been through. I am so happy that your family & the family of God are surrounding you with love & prayers & that you are using this outlet for healing.
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