Thursday, July 28, 2011
Ups and Downs
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Molly Stroud |
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Today I've had a roller coaster of emotions. I actually love roller coasters, but sure wish I was having fun with this one. I have been waking up in better moods, which is a relief to everyone in my house. I spent time with my sister-in-law, Mallory, and we had a nice talk and took some adorable pictures of her adorable baby, Khloe. After that I had a delicious dinner at my mom's house.. I love not cooking!
With all this entertainment one should feel happy.. so why do these surges of dispair wash over me at the strangest times? I've told Joel many times that I feel "broken"... trapped in a body with a brain that's gone haywire. I feel like such a burden.. a mental patient. With the recent news of Amy Winehouse's death, it's gotten me a bit shaken. I wasn't a fan of hers, but she did suffer with bipolar disorder, and that scares me. I also have a relative who has been a depressed bipolar patient most of her life, and as long as I've known her she was so heavily medicated that she didn't make sense most of the time. I have fears...
My fears are that I won't recover the "me" I so desperately miss... that I will be a burden to my husband, kids, and family. That in a manic episode I will act out in damaging ways... that maybe I will do something unforgivable. That my kids will grow up without a "real" mom. These are just fears.. not facts. I have to constantly remind myself to focus on what is TRUE. I also find that my compassion for people has grown enormously. I am now the last person on earth to judge anyone... for if I were to be judged it would be pretty ugly.
I thank God for such a wonderful environment in which to heal. I don't have to work, I have a tremendously helpful husband who works from home, and three wonderful daughters who happily help out around the house. Because of all these blessings, I get angry with myself for crying and being depressed. I know it's not a conscious decision to cry for hours at a time, but I still get angry about it.
I am amazed and humbled by all the people that have come forward and shared their stories of depression... some for the first time. I am thankful for those that pray. I am thankful for those who love me despite my craziness. I cannot say that I am thankful for this disorder.. yet.. I guess I just need more time.
With all this entertainment one should feel happy.. so why do these surges of dispair wash over me at the strangest times? I've told Joel many times that I feel "broken"... trapped in a body with a brain that's gone haywire. I feel like such a burden.. a mental patient. With the recent news of Amy Winehouse's death, it's gotten me a bit shaken. I wasn't a fan of hers, but she did suffer with bipolar disorder, and that scares me. I also have a relative who has been a depressed bipolar patient most of her life, and as long as I've known her she was so heavily medicated that she didn't make sense most of the time. I have fears...
My fears are that I won't recover the "me" I so desperately miss... that I will be a burden to my husband, kids, and family. That in a manic episode I will act out in damaging ways... that maybe I will do something unforgivable. That my kids will grow up without a "real" mom. These are just fears.. not facts. I have to constantly remind myself to focus on what is TRUE. I also find that my compassion for people has grown enormously. I am now the last person on earth to judge anyone... for if I were to be judged it would be pretty ugly.
I thank God for such a wonderful environment in which to heal. I don't have to work, I have a tremendously helpful husband who works from home, and three wonderful daughters who happily help out around the house. Because of all these blessings, I get angry with myself for crying and being depressed. I know it's not a conscious decision to cry for hours at a time, but I still get angry about it.
I am amazed and humbled by all the people that have come forward and shared their stories of depression... some for the first time. I am thankful for those that pray. I am thankful for those who love me despite my craziness. I cannot say that I am thankful for this disorder.. yet.. I guess I just need more time.
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1 comments:
Molly, you are such an inspiration to me; I was diagnosed with MDD(Major Depressive Disorder) a long time ago as well as Anxiety Disorder. I have been on medications for years. The anxiety has gotten better but the depression is still hanging on. I have my good and bad days. I just have to remember who holds my hand(thank you Lord).My dad always says for me to never take my focus off God and to always keep my eyes stayed on Him. If you ever want to talk or text, I'm sending you my number in a private message. I love you girl and you're always in my prayers!
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