Today I am faced with several choices that all end in the same question... which way? Part of being manic depressive is swinging from one emotional extreme to the other, so one of the first things I wonder is, "which way am I swinging right now?" The irritability factor forces me to decide which way to relieve the stress... should I take off running outside with no destination in mind? Should I shut myself up in my room and forbid any company? Should I medicate with prescriptions or alchohol? Maybe I should yell, scream, and throw a few things... which way? 

I find it nearly impossible to focus or concentrate on much of anything. Books and movies are impossible. Conversations bore me to tears. I don't want to venture out to visit friends, because that will mean I will have to get dressed (in something other than pajamas), and pretend to be nice. Playing with my kids is the biggest challenge of all because noise triggers my meltdowns.

I find myself staring blankly a lot. I'll snap back to reality and ask, "what day is this?" or "what did I do last night?"

I'm worried that my sweet husband is about to snap under all the stress. He asks me constantly if he can do anything to help, and I reassure him that I'm fine... but in reality I just don't know how he can help me. I don't always share my deepest thoughts and fears with him because I don't want to scare him anymore than he is. I do know that he loves me, however... I do know that.

My mom, through her tears, asked me if I really understood how much she loves me. I answered yes... because I'm still here. When the dark questions arise, I ask myself "which way?".... and it always ends at remembering those who love me, and not being able to devastate them.

My psychiatrist defines depression as, "anger turned inward"... wow is he right. There are five steps for grief: anger, denial, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I'm still on step one. I grieve the loss of who I was... which way to I go now? I "know" the way I should go... and yet I'm paralyzed with pain, fear, loss... and anger.

So while I'm waiting out the trial and error game of new medications, I will constantly be battling the question of "which way"... this question trickles down through all the cracks in my life. It's not a statement to scare anyone... it's just the facts, man.